Oh, hello there. So, you may be wondering who the fella in red and black is, and why he's cussing and killing bad guys with blood going everywhere. The name's Deadpool, real name Wade Wilson. Most people call me "The Merc With A Mouth", and I'm a big deal.
You know Marvel Comics, right? Let me give you the f***ing beats, buster! I was created in the 90s with my big damn debut comin' in 1991, even though it took a while for me to develop my fourth wall-breaking $#!@, and it took longer for me to get into the movies. 2009 may have been my lucky day, BUT THEY SEWED MY DAMN MOUTH SHUT!!!
However, 2016 was the game changer, when they knocked it outta the park with my movie. And get this, that Ryan Reynolds guy who played the other me, HE PLAYED THE REAL ME! That's right, baby! My actor is THE Ryan Reynolds, and you know him from $#!* like the GREEN LANTERN movie and a bunch of others. Sooooooo, what's the story of my movie, baby?
Well, it starts with me riding with Dolpinder, high-fiving him, goin' after that bastard Francis and killin' his goons. However, the story really starts a few years prior, before my face gets real messed up, when I bust a pizza-delivering stalker. Man, the look on the other guy's face when I threatened him with a gun, and the stalker knows that if he went near his ex-girlfriend again, he will know I got some hard spots. Ok, that came out wrong.
So, after that, I hit a bar and, there, I meet the babe of my dreams. Her name's Vanessa, and she's a real hooker. So, after I pay her, off we go to put some balls in the hole. Big twist: I took her to the arcade for some fun. After that, we had a hell of a lot more fun on every holiday imaginable all the way to Christmas, where I pop the big question... before cancer pops up. $#*^! Looks like that love montage is over, and crap is getting real.
News flash. Not only do I have cancer, but it's gonna kill me. So, what to do, what to do. Luckily, this guy in a suit offers a solution, and, eventually, I take it. In fact, it seems they're gonna make me a superhero. Lets hope my superhero costume isn't green and animated like Green Lantern's outfit, and that's when we meet Ajax. Oops, that's not his real name, its friggin' Francis Freeman. And it turns out, The Workshop is real %$#@ed up and makes "super slaves", and they torture me in an effort to wake up my mutant genes.
A while passes and, BOOM, they wake up, and my face gets real messed up in the process. Francis is so toast, even though I lose to him after trying to fight him naked. Don't worry, I lived to tell the tale to my buddy Weasel. One look at my face, and he compares it to an avocado who had a hate fling with an older and more disgusting avocado, then as we discuss plans on what to do with my situation, I decide to get a mask and we agree on my new name: Deadpool, Captain Deadpool
*record scratch* No, just Deadpool. Sounds like a franchise, amirite?
Makin' my costume takes some trial and error, and the suit being red came from the fact the white suit I wore got stained with my own blood at one point. Okay, so, back to the start of the film. After I kill his goons, I find Francis, and reveal my face to him. However, the studio sends two X-Men to get me, Colossus and, uh, Nega-Sonic Teenage Warhead? Weird name, anyway. They try to take me to the X-Mansion, but I slice off my arm and escape, with my severed hand givin' Colossus the finger. Oh, and Francis got away. GOD FRIGGIN' DANG IT!!!
I retreat to my friend Blind Al's place so I can heal, and once my hand grows back, Weasel and I go to a, er, pole-dancer club to find Vanessa, who gets nabbed by Francis and his goons. Looks like its rescue time, but I need help, and I get it from Colossus and the Nega Sonic Warhead girl. And where is Francis holed up, the ruins of a battleship which looks like a broken down SHIELD ship for some reason. Cue his goon Angel Dust doing a superhero landing and battling it out with Colossus.
Now, we've reached the final battle with Francis, and we try to kill each other with Vanessa on the line. I am so determined to get my face fixed at this point, and here's a catch, Francis doesn't feel pain. Heck, he can't feel anything. So, I kick his ass, and Vanessa is saved. Now to get my face fixed, but this is where we run into a problem, there is no cure. Okay, looks like its time to kill Francis, but cue Colossus comin' in with some speech about being a hero and sparing your enemies.
Well, I got one thing to say with my gun.
BLAM!
Just like that, I got Francis, even though my face may never be cured. At least Vanessa is safe, and she doesn't mind how my face looks. We part ways with Colossus and Nega-Sonic Teenage Warhead, and our story concludes for a time with me and Vanessa kissing like we miss each other. Good film, yeah?
Oh, trust me. DEADPOOL (2016) is fantastic, in so many imaginable ways, and it isn't every day when the world sees an R-rated "superhero" film, even though I am no superhero by a long shot. Solid 10/10, and you gotta admit there are so many funny moments throughout just as there is so much good action scenes with solid special effects, and I got a sequel a few years later... even though it took longer for my third movie to get off the ground. Ryan Reynolds was born for the role of me, amirite, folks? Oh, and Cable shows up in Deadpool 2, and we got Josh Brolin as him, but that is a story for another day.
Catch you suckers next time!